Do you

The last few days of this week really surprised me. I heard myself utter words and accusations that were entirely irrelevant, rude, and selfish. I saw myself crumble under the pressures of keeping up with responsibilities and proudly bitched and whined about shit that didn't deserve a moment's thought. 

I was completely ashamed of my actions.

I'm trying my best to be my best self. But sometimes you fall into the depths of self-loathing and pity. I can't promise those black times won't show themselves again, but I can try my best to keep them from interfering with what is important and more worthy of thought and effort. I would say sorry, but I know it doesn't mean a thing if I keep the bad and overlook the good. 

It's time I do me. Forget the rest.

Jog log

Details from memory! I'm too ashamed to keep track of specific times...

• Gym - 3 miles - 35 mins
• Neighborhood - 1 mile - 10 mins
• Mile Square Park - close to 5 miles - 1 hour and 10 mins

Tomorrow I will run around Scripps Lake! Tonight I will post pictures of my cute nieces and nephews!

Holler at ya chaturanga

The four things I learned from (35) days of yoga.

• Patience - I'm one of the most impatient people you will ever meet. I don't put up with nonsense or leave room for mistakes. But after day 2 I realized I had to calm the fuck down with these expectations if I plan to complete the challenge. I'm not saying I have the calm demeanor of Mother Theresa now, but I'm definitely learning to use my breath outside of class to increase my patience level. I can't control everything. Some things need time, simple as that.
• Compassion - To me, this was the most surprising and important lesson of the challenge. All the yoga teachers describe compassion as the art of "letting go," and at the end of class one night, I dropped everything as I surrendered to my mat. I saw my expectations rise above me, an ominous cloud waiting to cast lightning on any wrong move. And then I cut myself some slack and let it all go. I'm starting to understand that compassion is first and foremost a gift to yourself. As the wise Dalai Lama once advised, "If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others."
• Strength - This was a no brainer. I am in great shape right now and feel stronger than ever before. But the strength you gain from yoga transcends muscles and flows through the spirit. And in this sense I'm not as strong as I think I am. The confidence I need to be certain in my actions or inaction is not quite there, yet which I guess is a testament to the practice of yoga as merely practice. It's something you can always improve on and develop over time. You can always grow stronger.
• Acceptance - I will continue to work on this one for a very long time. Acceptance by itself is a challenge. Every day is different and things are constantly changing. Sometimes things go my way, but most of the time they won't. This is something that I need to accept with steadfast patience, endearing compassion, and enduring strength. There's a meaning to life, I know it. Perhaps that is why I am so relentless in my struggle to find out what it is. But what this challenge has taught me is that I need to slow things down, accept things for what they are, and be content santosha with exactly where I am now. The answers will come sooner or later. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Vroom

Finally cleaned my room. Mah gah. I didn't realize how much of a slob I was until I found a shirt I bought literally five months ago with its tag still attached underneath a pile of purses and grocery bags. It's like shopping in a really disorganized Forever 21.

I wish cleaning up applied to the rest of my life. Just pick up the pieces, vacuum the scattered crumbs and boom baby, you're done. Enjoy a full night's rest and just mess everything up again the following day. It's cool because you only deal with the consequences in one full go. Nope, life's messes just aren't that simple. Sometimes I wish I had a heavy duty vacuum designed for the purpose of sucking up all the problems and doubts floating around my head. Vroom. Done deal, sleep easy.

Asphyxiation

The heat, the humidity, the dim lights, the ground. I struggle against heavy eyelids but in the end, gravity takes over and I succumb to sleep.

Images of trees and waterfalls overpower my thoughts and consciousness. I jump off a cliff to dive gracefully into the depths of the water below, but mid-jump I become hesitant of my action. Mid-jump my heart quickens and panic floods through my veins. A twitch of the eyelid, a jerk of a foot and I'm eyes wide open, staring wildly around the room...wondering if anyone saw my struggle.

Let's begin in child's pose.

I drag myself into position, resting my forehead on the floor beneath me, rubbing my third eye center left and right. My eyes, my mind, they take me back to that waterfall, and I see myself jumping. There's no struggle this time, just a fluid dip into the crisp and refreshing water.

Focus on your breath.

But I can't breathe.

Stay strong in your asana, don't collapse into your body.

My limbs are helpless against the crash of the waterfall.

Concentrate on your gaze, your drishti. 

The water burns my eyes and renders them useless.

With every shift, every movement I wade through the murky waters. I fight against the need to struggle, the need to put more pressure on my limp body. It's as though the waterfall transformed into a swamp, and the only thing I notice is the heat clinging to my skin, the beads of sweat that bubble from the poisonous cauldron within.

Breathe.

I surrender to the forces that take over and in that action of inaction, I find my breath again. Breaking free against the barrier that held me captive, I hear the crash of the water's surface as I gasp for air. I draw in deep, steady heaps of beautiful, bountiful air.

Surrender to shavasana. 

It is the practice of letting go, the practice of surrendering. It's learning to breathe.